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Oleg’s story (30)

Oleg is an actor, script writer, producer, blogger, and influencer.

 

First of all, I want to emphasize that by sharing this story, I am striving to prevent those who are thinking about suicide from ever doing so. Suicide is not an option - it is an illusion of choice. By dying you will prove nothing to yourself or to others. If you don't want to live anymore, you probably don't want to live and do ANYTHING. Usually, there are millions of alternatives and options, you just don't see them right now.

It is fashionable to talk about your problems, which can be both good and bad. Good - because people have a chance to be heard. Then they stop feeling lonely, stop blaming themselves and look for solutions. It is bad because there are times when people just talk about their problems, are pitied, and put themselves in the position of being the victim but do nothing. On the other hand, there is a very slippery boundary; it's easy to divide people into "victims" and "non-victims", but there are different stories. Those stories are unique and personal, and it is often impossible to imagine how difficult it is for people. But unfortunately there are people who exploit their problems for personal gain. Some even manage to promote antidepressants through their social networks.

 

I realized during my teens that it would be difficult to live

 

Depression in my life was very organic. It seemed as if I always lived with it. In my childhood I was very neurotic, I had hypochondria (a form of paranoia that seems to be cover the diseases of the world) and I could not sleep. During my teens I had come to realize that it would be difficult to live. I started drinking alcohol very early on and always had a bottle of the cheapest whiskey in my cupboard to calm down. I ignored psychotherapy - after all, I'm not psychic. My alcoholic intake increased over time. I didn't drink it to savour the taste, but to escape from myself. Most of the time I got drunk and became inadequate and later would remember nothing. There seemed to be an Oleg, and there was Oleg's Dark Passenger - two people in one. I forgot my neuroses, phobias, etc. With time, I even forgot why I started drinking - it just became an important, even essential part of my life.

 

I was good at masquerade

 

At the age of 26, I encountered suicide for the first time - a friend of mine committed suicide. Deep in my heart I envied him - he was very brave in my mind. Then I started to see suicide as a solution. I started to analyse myself and realized that I had nothing to do in my life. I wasn't happy, I hated myself, so maybe suicide would be an option. It made things worse. I was afraid to be alone. I realized that I had never fallen asleep in simple silence in the last six years. Either I was drunk, or with company, movies, books or music.
One summer, for the first time, I had serious thoughts of suicide. One evening I was walking towards the house and saw the swings. I wondered if I had balls to suicide. I made a loop from the rope and tried to wrap it around my neck but I didn't go further. Maybe it was because I was drunk, I don't remember exactly.

At some point in life, things got mixed up. The divide between the two Olegs was widening, and the dark traveler was taking over. I reached a stage where alcohol consumption was no longer a solution but a problem. The symptoms were visible - hangovers, psychosis, addiction, increasing panic attacks and of course, drugs. I remember that there was a time when I drank once a week because I was afraid to get drunk, and feel the hangover and those terrible panic attacks. I didn't tell anyone about it, and for those who saw it, things didn't look that bad. After all, everyone was drinking, just that Oleg fit it a little more often. I was also good at masquerading - I worked a lot, exercised, and was otherwise very active.

The most serious attempt at suicide occurred in 2015. I won't tell you the details, but I found myself in a mental hospital. Most of the people who were there with me had alcohol problems. Then for the first time I saw alcohol without makeup. The doctors told me, "Oleg, you have severe depression, you have manic symptoms. You need healing ”. After a month I came out and continued to live as before. Just then I found myself in special position of victim: "I drink because I am depressed". I drink meaningfully. From the side, my life didn't look so bad either. "This guy has depression, so what? Happens sometime. There is money, there is work, everything is as good as it is, intellectually educated, reading books, having higher needs, well, who in our day does not drink or has no sadness?"

My last humble attempt to commit suicide was in 2016. Of course, all my attempts involved a lot of alcohol and drugs. If I'm not mistaken, about 80% of people do it by drinking. This generation was just miserable. I jumped from a low point and my hand got trapped on a fence. My finger ruptured and I had surgery for a few hours. I had failed in my attempt.

 

Stop being a victim and live honestly with yourself

 

In late 2017, after a few years of trying to get my life together, I finally made the decision to stop drinking alcohol and to stop taking drugs. To stop being a victim and to be honest with myself. It has a taken a while. I had to start trusting psychologists and people in general. I have tested the nerves of friends and those around me. There were basically two options: either heal and take care of myself, or wait for the end to come. For almost a year and a half, I have not been drinking and have not taken anything. I do not know what will happen next. I don't feel bad, many things have improved, but quitting is just a small step. Sometimes I feel incredibly bad, but I know what to I have to do. Dealing with yourself is a difficult process.

Let me end with how I started: looking back. I cannot say that the suicide attempts were my choice. It may have been my last "choice" after which I would no longer have any choice and change. Everything can be solved. It is difficult, but suicide is not a fair walk for other people. When you leave and leave everyone, it will be up to them, not you, to live with it. Suicide is an illusion of choice, a side effect of your serious condition, a continuation of your illness, disorder and problems. But it's not you. If you go through this hell, many opportunities will open up and that hell will become a unique and precious experience that will make you stronger. I still get scared a lot because I've gone through that terrible hell that I partly created. But I won! So far, I can say that, but I don't know what happens next, but I'm glad that I made that choice. It is still very difficult for me, but nowhere in the rules of life have I read that it will be easy.

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