In early childhood, Erika witnessed her mother’s attempt to suicide. This happened again when Erika was 10 years old.
From an early age, Erika lived in an environment of physical and psychological abuse, manipulation by her parents, lack of love, and a constant feeling of insecurity and fear. Alcohol and its consequences in the family and family relationships – all this was Erika’s everyday life, the character of the fourth episode of the social project: “Without Colors: Addictions.” Unfortunately, it was an everyday life that brought little joy or childish carefreeness.
“As a child, I always thought that something was wrong with my family. That’s not how a family should be. I was very jealous when I saw families walking and talking nicely with their children, hugging each other, with parents spending time with their children. I wanted my family to be like that, because my family wasn’t. When I was a child, it was simply impossible to talk to my mother. She was always very tired. There were four children in our family: me, my sister, and two brothers. My mother had to work very hard to support us. My father was an alcoholic. He drank everything away. Even us,” Erika shares her painful childhood memories.
The character of the project, Erika, admits that she does not remember everything from her childhood and may even be consciously blocking memories of events from that time. One of her memories was told to her by her family. According to them, Erika was her father’s favorite child, even though he drank and didn’t care about the family, but he loved Erika the most. “I was told that when my father beat my mother, my brothers and sister would defend her, and I would watch. When my father turned to me and asked if he should beat my mother, I would say “yes”. I don’t remember this, I really don’t. I was just a child...” says Erika.
According to Erika herself, perhaps her father’s favor and greater attention to her in the family led to her mother’s indifference and lack of love for her daughter. Erika’s parents divorced when she was 5 years old.
Erika remembers herself as a sad, very slow child who constantly took the blame for others. Now that everyone is grown up, they often remember that Erika was a real “scapegoat.” Even when she was beaten and abused, she didn’t speak up, but took the blame herself. The wounds of Erika’s childhood are very deep, preventing her from living a full life even now. “The wounds of childhood prevent from living, especially if they are covered with alcohol. They have really affected my life, because I am still “cleaning” those childhood wounds. I see a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist,” Erika discloses.
The character of the show witnessed her mother’s attempt to suicide in early childhood. This happened again when Erika was 10 years old. The first time, her mother tried to jump out of a window, and the second time, she chose medication. “I found my mother slumped in a chair, with a note and money. I remember when I accompanied her and the doctors to the ambulance, I was very upset and it was difficult and emotional. The only question in my mind was, “Why, Mom, are you doing this?” Erika says tearfully.
The girl’s life was marked by violence, constant tension, suicides, sleepless nights, which, despite her age, were accompanied by heavy responsibilities, and her alcoholic mother and the drunkards in her immediate environment, whose fights led her into the abyss of addiction.
Theater became a salvation for the young girl, who was running away from her dark everyday life. In theater, she could live her own life. There, Erika found healing for her soul. Later, when the girl left home, had her first child, fell ill with acute spinal disease, and her mother rejected her and did not accept her even when she grew up, showing indifference when she became depressed, the young woman divorced, Erika’s life became even more difficult.
Erika’s story is part of the series of “Without Colors: Addictions”. The project was initiated by Fausta Tavoraitė, director of the public institution “Geras Vardas”, who is creating a series of six programs about people with addictions, those in recovery, co-dependent individuals, those struggling with addiction, those who abuse psychotropic substances, and their loved ones. The project is funded by the European Solidarity Corps support program of European Union, which provides young people with opportunities to implement community-building initiatives in their own countries.
The story of Erika - in the video: